


teach me how to love you, i'm unlearning what ain't right

by jenhrding



Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, F/F, a lot of domestic fluff my heart hurts, charlies girlfriend shows up a lot, explores jen's comphet, follows canon i guess, jen is a lesbian sue me, judy calling jen jenny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:55:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27456097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenhrding/pseuds/jenhrding
Summary: "Somehow it always felt like she was suffocating a little bit. Calculating her movements, thinking about her actions, worrying about every word. Everything extremely over thought so there was no slip up, no accidental admission, what no one knew wasn’t real. Ted never knew, her childhood best friend never knew, Judy never knew. She is the perfect straight woman her family always wanted her to be."or five times when jen doesn't let herself fall, and one time she does.
Relationships: Judy Hale/Jen Harding
Comments: 24
Kudos: 112





	1. of fluttery hearts and teary eyes

**Author's Note:**

> this is only divided in two chapters cause it got way too long lmao  
> hope you enjoy  
> (title from "love language")

When Jen was sixteen, she had a crush.

It wasn't her first, and it surely wouldn't be her last, but at that time, she was having a crush on a girl.

She knew the difference between admiration and attraction, was old enough to separate one from the other, and she had a tiny bit of experience with guys — maybe more than her mom would've liked —, so when the new girl at school walked by her group of friends, she knew what the flutter in her heart meant, knew why her cheeks heated up every time she talked to her, knew why, unlike her usual self, she found herself stuttering when she suggested that they should study together some day.

Jen didn't really get shy. She was confident when talking to people, everyone knew her — even if they knew her as the girl with a sick mother —, it was common knowledge that she wasn't the most open person at school, but that she never treated anyone badly, either. And every day of her junior year she prayed — or just hoped — that no one noticed how flustered she got when this long haired brunette called her name, that none of her friends realized that she was always trying to get the girl's attention, because if no one saw it, then she could lie to herself and say that it wasn't real.

Her parents never said anything, but she knew them. They were a traditional family, her dad wanted her to marry a decent guy and her mom's wish before the first surgery she had was ' _all I want is to come back from this so I can watch you grow and marry a good man like your dad, I want to see your future family, Jen_ '. So, even if they didn't say ' _hey, do not date a woman_ ', she could pick up on subtext.

Due to that, she got a high school boyfriend and ended up staying with him until she had to leave for college.

The first time she kissed a girl she was twenty. Maybe because she was really hammered, or maybe because there wasn't the weight of her parents hanging over her shoulder anymore — her mom was dead, which she completely shut off from her system, and her dad didn't really care anymore, only called to wish Merry Christmas and didn't ask for her to come home for the holidays.

She doesn't quite remember this girl, not much now that she's over forty, but she knows that she was shorter, that she was sitting on a bathroom sink and probably tasted like alcohol. And she hates that she remembers that it felt right. Better than with her old boyfriend, better than with the guys she had hooked up with since she arrived.

But since her mind had always been a dangerous place, a hole filled with her parents’ voices telling her what to do and, most importantly, what _not_ to do, she blamed it on being drunk and almost completely forgot about it. If she went down on that same girl while high, well, _that_ she brushed off as a stupid dream, if she didn’t believe it, then it didn’t happen.

It worked for her, forgetting about it, it really did. Every obvious attraction to women resulted in her telling herself that it was _admiration_ — she wanted to _be_ Julia Roberts, she didn’t want to sleep with her; she wanted Ted's sister to like her because she was nice, not because she was hot. And besides, marrying a man was easy, it was something else that she could put on the list of "things my mom would've been proud of me for doing", and it weighed less when she thought that her mother would've hated the fact that she gave up on dancing for a man — she wanted Jen to get married, sure, but she definitely didn't want her to throw her life away for it.

Somehow it always felt like she was suffocating a little bit. Calculating her movements, thinking about her actions, worrying about every word. Everything extremely over thought so there was no slip up, no accidental admission, _what no one knew wasn’t real_ . Ted never knew, her childhood best friend never knew, _Judy_ never knew. She is the perfect straight woman her family always wanted her to be.

It doesn’t matter that Judy likes women, it never has. And she doesn’t worry around Judy, in a way. She has never stopped herself from reaching out or sitting close to her or letting her sleep in her bed, she doesn’t think when she’s around Judy, and maybe that’s the fucking problem. She worries afterwards, in bed, with the brunette sound asleep next to her, replays the words she said during the day, wonders ‘ _did that sound off?’,_ tries to understand what it is about Judy that reminds her so much of those early days, of fluttering hearts and warm cheeks and the dread of _no one can know about this_.

Everything was fine until Judy came into her life like the softest trainwreck she had ever seen. Having a husband made things easier, devoting her life to _him_ , taking care of _him_ , only having eyes for _him_ . She knew it wasn’t true, knew that she looked at other women at the mall — and if they caught her eye they probably thought it was jealousy —, knew that watching _Carol_ with Ted was proven a challenge and to this day she doesn’t know why she did it. But she strongly believed in her ability to compartmentalize. She loved Ted, she loved a man, she did not love women, did not want women, did _not_ think of women while getting herself off after another night of her husband not touching her. However, well, then he died, and all sense of reality that Jen had slipped away from her fingers.

Judy made her revisit memories, if she’s being honest. Made her way into the family so smoothly that she almost didn’t feel guilty for letting someone other than Ted sit at the head of the table, that she offered to raise another kid with her, that she brought her back into her life even with the knowledge that Judy hit her husband with her fucking ’66 Mustang. And the intermission helped, the few days when Judy wasn’t living with them anymore, time enough for her to bury whatever it was that she was feeling deep down and never dig up again, for her to reinsert in her head that _nothing good comes out of her loving a woman_ . But then she came back, because of course she did, because _Jen_ brought her back. And the blonde found herself dealing with jealousy — seriously, why did Judy need a new friend? Why did Judy need a girlfriend? —, and fucking the last person she should just for the sake of staying in her lane, her very _straight_ lane. She should’ve known it wouldn’t last long.

It seems like it’s even harder now, without the police walking close behind them, after surviving a car crash, now that Ben is gone and Michelle is too. Now Jen is _thinking_ again.

Thinking has never been comfortable for her.

**— 1**

Jen gets home one day to find Judy, Charlie and Henry watching a movie in the living room. Well, Henry and Judy are watching, really, because her oldest son is on his phone, completely ignoring Troy and Gabriella on the screen.

She kisses Charlie’s cheek and when he tries to pull away she just grabs his face and presses her lips even harder against his skin with a hum, because she’s happy, because she’s his mother, and because she deserves it. He wipes his cheek with his hand but she’s not even phased, just takes a step to the side and kisses Henry’s forehead softly, smiling when he wraps his arms around her neck.

Judy looks up at her with a grin and she has to stop herself from sighing. She places a kiss on her nose and sits next to her, squeezing against the arm of the couch and throwing her purse on the armchair next to them. Then, Judy lays her head on Jen's shoulder, but it's fine, because that doesn't make Jen's heart beat faster or her breath hitch, it's fine because they are friends, very platonic friends.

"I was thinking vegan burgers for dinner, do you mind?" Judy whispers next to her ear and Jen tries to stop the way her body shivers.

"No, it's fine. We just won't tell Charlie they're vegan."

"Of course." She giggles. "I should get started, then."

Jen feels Judy squeeze her hand and watches as she walks away. Henry lies down, using her lap as a pillow, and she absentmindedly strokes his hair while her mind wanders elsewhere.

She thinks of Ben and how forced it felt to be with him. Despite the obvious obstacle of her _killing his brother_ , she actually kind of liked him. He was funny in a weird way that always seemed to catch her attention — Judy's humor definitely isn't dorky in that way. No. —, treated her better than almost anyone — except… well… —, and the sex wasn't bad. She, oddly, didn't feel exactly attracted to him, but she could work with that. In a perfect world they would make sense, in a world where she hadn't killed Steve and Ted had died by someone else's hands. But in that perfect world, she probably wouldn't have met Judy, and having her in her life is something she'd never let go of.

Judy was a breath of fresh air. Still is, no matter the means by which they met. She remembers being high on the beach and their three-child mothering team plan, how she was ready to raise another kid as long as it meant Judy being happy. Remembers dad birds, frittatas and cherry pies. And, honestly, it makes sense that she feels so deeply for Judy. They have a tangled friendship, but they never really had girl friends, it's okay that it's, at this point, borderline marriage; it will only mean anything if Jen wants it to, which she doesn't. She doesn't even think about it or lose sleep over it. She's fine.

When the movie ends, Judy calls them into the kitchen and Jen helps her bring the food to the table as the boys take plates and glasses. It's the kind of domesticity that she still enjoys, after almost two years, something she dreamed of at the beginning of her marriage but never really got to have. They even manage to go one entire meal without Charlie teasing Jen about whatever, and she's better at dealing with their banter now, it's easier to laugh with him and joke back.

"Mom?" Jen is so lost in thought that she doesn't realize he's calling her. "Mom…? Jen…? _Jennifer_?!" When she finally hears him, she frowns.

"Excuse me? What did you just call me?"

"I tried 'mom' and 'Jen' but you weren't paying attention." She scoffs and looks at Judy, who nods sympathetically to confirm what he said. "Anyway, _mom_ , I have a question."

"Hm?"

"Did you know that one in three people are gay?"

"Yeah? Well..." Jen gestures to her left and Judy widens her eyes sheepishly.

"No, no. Judy likes men too." If the brunette could, she would sink even more in her chair.

"Are you trying to tell me you're gay?" She takes a sip and smirks.

"You know I have a girlfriend, right?" Jen just shrugs. "Think about it."

"You're making no sense."

"Just give it some thought, you know? Sleep on it. We can catch up in a couple of months." He gets up and takes his plate and Henry's to the sink. The younger boy had been upstairs for a while now.

"Charlie?" She calls his name when he's about to leave the room.

"I'm going to Natalie's, you said I could, earlier."

"Fine. Whatever, just..." Jen shooes him out of the room and slumps back in her chair with a sigh.

“Are you okay?” Judy asks after they hear the front door close.

“Yeah, sure.”

“You know he’s just trying to get on your nerves, right?”

“Mhm.” She gulps the rest of her wine and sighs.

" _Jenny_..." Judy whines and Jen glares at her.

"Why do you keep calling me that?" She rolls her eyes with a hint of a smile.

"Because ever since you told me that your dad calls you that I thought I should have that right too." She states, matter of factly, and her smile is so pure that Jen just nods, giving in. “Hey, you were happy when you arrived! What was that about?” Jen finally looks at her and smiles softly.

“I had a good day at work, that’s all.”

“Oh, no ‘that’s all’ about it.” Judy shakes her head. “I’m gonna grab another bottle and you’re gonna tell me about this good day that didn’t involve me.” She winks and gets up before Jen manages to say anything else.

They move upstairs because it’s windy outside and sharing a comforter is basically routine now.

Jen doesn’t know when they moved subjects, but somehow Judy is talking about her exes, and there’s a little hint of something in her stomach that she refuses to analyze.

“I don’t know… maybe I just have a really bad taste in men.”

“God,-“ Jen scoffs. “-you and me both.”

“Hey, Ben was nice.”

“On paper.”

“Well.” Judy shrugs, doesn’t bother defending his honor. “I have a better taste in women.”

“Yeah?” She asks and Judy nods.

“I’ve never had a bad break-up with one.”

“That would be nice.”

“You should try it sometime. I’m available.” Her friend winks and she rolls her eyes.

“I already told you I’m done with dating. And you know I’m straight.” Don’t ask if she needs to confirm that to Judy or to herself.

“I _know_.” Judy whines. “But, honestly, I think I’m done too.”

“Why?” Jen frowns. Judy has so much love to give, has always had this aspiration to find _the one_ , she can’t believe she has given up too.

“I think I’m gonna wait for my next life to have that, this one hasn’t worked quite well.”

“Jude, no.” The blonde shakes her head.

“Why can you give up but I can’t?”

“ _Because_ I was married for eighteen years before I gave up. And I’m all cold and hard to love.” She makes a disgusted face, Judy tries to soothe her but she stops her movements. “ _You_ , on the other hand, are the most lovable person that walks the earth, okay? You deserve the fairytale romance with Prince Char- No, my bad. Princess Charming.” A smile grazes her lips quickly. “And you’ll get it.”

“Thanks, Jen. But I don’t know if-“

“Ah, ah! Just accept it.”

“Okay, fine.” Judy turns to the side and releases her hair from its bun, shaking it a little. Her scent fills Jen’s nose and she feels like hugging her a bit. Until she notices how tangled it is.

“Jesus, Jude, what did you do to your hair?”

“What? Why?” She comically tries to look at the back of her own head and Jen chuckles softly.

“It looks very tangled.”

“Oh! Henry was playing with it earlier, then I just put it up and didn’t even pay attention.” Jen gets up, then, grabs a hairbrush from her dresser and comes back in a second. “What are you doing?”

“I’m brushing your hair, it’s a mess.”

“Oh. Okay. Thank you.” Judy whispers, almost sheepishly, and turns her back to Jen, who starts detangling the ends carefully. “This is nice.”

“Yeah?” She scratches Judy’s scalp a little, massaging it in the way Judy has told her she likes.

“Mhm… I could do this all night.” Jen takes a breath, inhaling Judy’s citric scent.

“Me too.” It’s a whisper, but it’s there.

**— 2**

Jen is taking a nap, or trying to, when she hears her bedroom door open.

“Well, you look comfy.” Judy smiles. “Mind if I lie with you?” She places her bag on the armchair in the corner and walks over, taking her dress off to find pajamas.

“Of course not.” Jen closes her eyes. “Just grab that shirt in the first drawer.” She feels a weight next to her, the characteristic warmth of Judy, one that could only and will only ever come from her. “I thought you were at work.”

“I was.” Judy throws an arm around Jen’s waist. “But they said I could have the rest of the day off.”

“Why?” She mumbles.

“I wasn’t feeling well.”

That makes Jen turn to look at her, “are you sick?”

“It’s probably from something I ate.”

“Can I do anything to help?”

“I think I just want to sleep.”

“Okay, then. Wake me up if you need me.”

Jen sees Judy nod before closing her eyes and moving closer — she knows she gets clingy when she’s tired, but it’s totally platonic —, and drifts off quicker than she had anticipated.

Her dreams are a mess of light and laughs that sound a lot like her best friend’s, of Henry smiling and Charlie rolling his eyes, before they turn somber. They’re not nightmares, not quite sad or scary, but there’s an ache in her heart in the middle of all that brightness, a feeling of nostalgia and the thought that _there’s something missing_.

She is abruptly woken up by coldness, Judy detangling from her and walking away. When Jen opens her eyes, she sees the bathroom door close quietly, so she makes her way over and knocks, “Jude, are you okay?”, but she only gets a “mhm” in response.

Jen opens the door to a kneeling Judy by the side of the toilet and purses her lips sympathetically before walking closer to gather her hair away from her face. She notices that Judy is sweaty, her eyes are droopy and her lips slightly swollen, and she feels so bad for her, in a way that she wants to hold her in her lap or maybe take the sickness to herself so Judy doesn't have to deal with it.

“Why didn’t you wake me?” Jen groans a little while kneeling beside Judy and rubbing her back comfortingly.

“You looked so peaceful.” She pouts.

“I was dreaming about you.”

“You were?” Judy’s eyes light up and she turns to Jen expectantly.

“I’ll tell you after we get back to bed. Are you okay now?”

“I think so.” She grabs Jen’s arm and they get up together. “Just let me brush my teeth.”

“Okay.” Jen whispers but doesn’t leave. She stands behind Judy, massaging her scalp, then her shoulders; rubbing her arms softly while she finishes her task.

Judy sighs once they get back in bed, letting her body relax under the duvet. Jen sits up against the headboard and runs her left hand through Judy’s hair while the brunette lets her eyes close.

“Tell me about your dream.” She mumbles tiredly.

“It was nothing really special, just us and the kids laughing, I think.”

“Yeah, and where were we?”

“Here? I don’t remember, just remember it was very bright.”

“Sounds very nice.”

“And then-,” she cuts herself off, “never mind.”

“Hey, come on, now!” Judy looks up at her. “Just tell me."

Jen takes a deep breath before answering, "then I felt an emptiness inside my chest. I don't know why."

"What do you mean?"

"Like something was missing, I don't know, Judy. Do we have to talk about this now?"

"Yes, we do." She sits up and Jen raises an eyebrow. Even if she's not happy with the challenge, she's glad to see Judy not ceding so much to everyone. "What do you think it means?"

"Maybe not every dream has a meaning, you know?"

"Do you think it's because of Ted?" Judy asks, unbothered by Jen's discontent with the talk.

"Why would it be because of Ted?" Jen sets her jaw and she knows now. She knows that Judy _knows_.

"You still miss him, don't you?" She presses her lips together, waiting. There is no pity on her face, maybe compassion, understanding.

Jen looks up at the ceiling and sighs, trying to keep her tears from falling because, _fuck_ , why does Judy have to know every thought in her head?

"Jen." Judy pleads and the blonde complies — when doesn't she? —, looking at her again. "It's totally fine if you do."

"I don't want you to feel guilty again, okay? I don't blame you." Judy nods with a smile. "Do you miss Steve?" Her voice shakes and Judy shakes her head.

"Not really." Jen frowns and Judy lets out a sigh mixed with a sad chuckle. "I loved him, sure, but he wasn't a good person, Jen, I don't miss him anymore. It doesn't mean that I want him to be dead, but still… I'm fine now."

"How?" She breathes.

"I've grieved him enough, _Jenny_." Jen scrunches up her nose at the nickname. "I think you never gave yourself time to think about him properly. You were always so angry and trying to compartmentalize. Then everything else in our lives happened, but we are all fine now. Maybe it's time you just let yourself think about him."

"I don't wanna think about him, Jude." Her lower lip trembles as she talks. Judy reaches up and wipes one lone tear away. "I just want to forget."

"We can't run away from it." Judy kisses her cheek and Jen's breath hitches slightly. "Tell me what you're thinking. I can practically see the way your brain is working right now, you need to start sharing, Jen, if not with me, with someone." The idea of sharing with someone else is completely insane to her, it only can ever be Judy. "And, hey, I've got you now."

"I miss him, sometimes, I guess." She shakes her head and closes her eyes. When she opens them, Judy is looking at her with so much kindness that she can't help but talk. "It's just that I watch the boys and it's great that they have two moms, really, but I know Henry still wants to ask him about singing, and Charlie would probably love to talk to him about girls, and I- It just hurts, a bit."

"And you…?" Judy prods.

"I miss when things were good." Jen can barely see now, with tears blurring her vision. "Trust me, I wouldn't trade what I have with you for him, I really wouldn't. But I just wish he wasn't dead, I wish we could've talked and gotten divorced or something, because now it feels like we never got an _ending_ , he died hating me, and I wish I could hug him again, or feel him close, I don't know. There's something inside me that he just _had_ to rip apart and take with him to hell or wherever he is." Judy just nods understandingly, and when she opens her mouth, Jen interrupts her. "Please don't say you're sorry, okay? It's not your fault."

Judy offers a tight lipped smile, "it's okay, you know? Everything you're feeling. You can hate him and miss him and love him, all at the same time."

"Thank you." Jen whispers and Judy touches her face softly.

"You're okay."

"I really should consider therapy, huh?" She jokes.

"Jen! I've been telling you that for months, it has really helped me, I swear."

"I believe you."

"Thank you for trusting me."

"How could I not?"

There is something different between her and Judy, she knows it very clearly, but she doesn't know what it is, maybe doesn't want to. It's frightening to have someone know her as well as Judy does, even if she likes it, and her first instinct is always to keep her away, to hold everything in, but her friend has a way of getting her to talk — it might be the kind eyes or the soft touches —, so she always finds herself pouring her heart out and only realizing it after she's done speaking.

Jen doesn't like to think about _them_. Perhaps her subconscious knows that she may find something she's not ready to unpack — she really should get going with that therapy thing —, something she has always known but convinces herself she doesn't; perhaps the reason why none of the relationships before Ted lasted, or why fucking her husband was always the last thing on her priorities list.

There, staring at Judy's face — doe eyes that want so, so much that Jen can't give —, her heart gives a flutter, almost imperceptible, but she still remembers, remembers like she's sixteen all over again.

So she does the one reasonable thing and averts her eyes.

**— 3**

Charlie's girlfriend is coming over for dinner. He had specifically told Jen that "nothing can go wrong", and just because of the _please_ he added to the end of the sentence, she's trying extra hard.

Judy got stuck at work, because of course she did, so Jen is trying to cook a vegan dinner — for Natalie, mostly, and she was only informed about her being vegan two hours before she started cooking. It's not that she can't cook, but meals with nothing derived from animals is a step she hasn't reached yet; Judy usually deals with that. Thankfully, her better half — as Chris puts it — had previously made a vegan, and totally coincidental, cherry pie for dessert — "Jen, you won't even notice it's vegan!", and now Jen is kind of thankful that Judy convinced her —, and her Pinterest inspired recipe of a vegan alfredo pasta seems to be going well.

Henry comes down the stairs and sits at the island, across from her, talking her ear off about how great Charlie’s girlfriend is, how his moms are gonna love her — she knows that if Judy had heard him saying “you and mom will love her” she would’ve cried her eyes out —, how she writes songs and sings really well and even helped him rehearse once. Jen listens to him attentively and smiles at his excitement.

Once Charlie arrives with Natalie, Jen is thankful that the girl is actually as nice as the stories she heard from everyone else before. She is incredibly beautiful for her age, curly hair and dark amiable eyes, and Jen can tell that Charlie is completely head over heels when he looks at her.

They say they’re going upstairs, since Judy hasn’t arrived yet, so Jen yells “keep your door open!” when they’re reaching the stairs, and Charlie answers with a not so enthusiastic “Jesus, mom”.

When she hears the front door open again and Judy’s soft “hello?”, she sighs with relief. Jen’s eyes light up at the sight of her friend hugging Henry tightly, before Judy walks around the island to kiss her cheek.

“Ooh, what are you making?”

“Well, apparently, Natalie is vegan,” Judy’s eyes widen in excitement, “so I made alfredo pasta.”

“Wait. With cheese?”

“No, Jude, do you think I don’t know where cheese comes from?” Jen chuckles. “It’s that vegan parmesan you like. I asked Charlie to buy it today.”

"Aw, thanks, Jen!" Judy grins. "Isn't it so nice that she's vegan? I've always wanted some tips, maybe she can give me some. It'll be so fun!"

She squeals and Henry chimes in with a "oh, mom, do you think I could stop eating meat too?"

Jen opens her mouth to answer him but she notices he's not addressing her. He wants to talk to Judy.

Her heart does something like a leap and she already knows that tears are coming from Judy's eyes.

"Um..." The brunette shakes her head quickly. "Maybe, if you really want to. But we can start small for now, okay? Perhaps a day or two without meat." She smiles apprehensively, waiting for Jen to speak.

"Yeah, sure. We can talk about it later." Jen smiles at him and squeezes Judy's shoulder while turning off the heat.

When the food is ready, they sit at the table to eat and Henry seems to be the most excited. He goes on and on about things they could all do and about her being such a good singer, to the point where the girl is blushing furiously and Charlie has to intervene — nicely, because he's getting better at dealing with his brother now —, asking him to let someone else get to know her too.

Turns out Judy does get all those tips she's been wanting. Natalie is more than happy to talk about it, and Jen watches as Judy’s face lights up with every new little thing she learns. It’s hard to look away, she does without even realizing it, and hopes that her face is not very telling — there isn’t anything to tell, anyway. In all honesty, she wants Judy to be happy, wants her to have the small things that make her eyes sparkle and those smile lines show up, and if talking about how to make a frittata without eggs is what makes her happy, then Jen has no place in telling her no.

And if Jen gets compliments on the pasta and Judy grins at her, her heart does _not_ flutter again.

She, then, gets up to grab dessert and Natalie offers to help, despite the blonde telling her that she doesn’t have to _many_ times.

“It’s really nice to see that Charlie has two amazing moms.” She smiles warmly and Jen nods knowingly. “He told me about his dad, and my mom hasn’t started dating yet, but I’m glad you found someone so great!”

“What?- Oh, no,” Jen chuckles, “Judy and I aren't together. But we’ve got that before, it’s totally okay.”

“Oh? Sorry!” The older woman waves a hand dismissively. “It’s just the way that Charlie speaks of you two, like you’re both his moms…”

“Well, we are. I get why it might be confusing, I guess, but we’re just friends.” She offers a tight smile that she hopes doesn’t come out as fake as it feels. “I hope your mom feels better soon, though, I really do understand what she’s going through.”

Natalie nods with a smile while grabbing the plates Jen hands her.

Between complimenting Judy’s pie and Natalie’s sweetness, they actually manage to talk about Charlie here and there.

“Charlie told me compliments about him won’t make you prouder than you already are.” The younger girl comments, talking to Jen.

“They won’t, I know him too well.” She shakes her head. “But if you do talk about him, it might melt this one’s heart.” Judy beams when Jen points at her.

“Yes, I can never be too proud of him.” Charlie, honest to God, blushes at the brunette’s words. Jen raises her eyebrows at him but doesn’t draw attention to it. “He’s just so incredible, isn’t he?”

“Jesus, Jude.” Jen snickers.

“What? We never get to compliment him, at least now he’s letting us.”

“Maybe save it for his graduation, babe.”

"Charlie should know that he's awesome every time we have the opportunity to tell him, okay, honey?" Jen rolls her eyes.

“Hey! What about me?” Henry feigns a pout.

“We smother you every day, Boop.” Jen squeezes him tightly and he giggles, kissing her cheek.

She's washing dishes when Natalie comes to say goodbye. Charlie says he'll drive her back home so the girl hugs Jen and Judy before staying in an almost minute-long hug with Henry.

Judy moves outside to grab a blanket from the guest house, and while Jen is making her way into the living room, she hears the two older kids talking in the foyer.

"Are you sure they're not together?"

"I think so, Nat, I don't think they'd lie about that."

"But they use pet names! And I swear, if a girl friend of mine looked at me the way they look at each other, I'd marry her."

"Oh, thanks for that." Charlie complains and the girl just laughs.

It doesn't mean anything-

But it might mean something.

**— 4**

Jen gets to her room — or theirs, she's not sure anymore — after work and Judy is lying under the covers, watching some show about cake decorations. She notices her friend has the duvet all the way up to her neck, and she knows, in her heart, that her feet are cold. They always are, and Jen _always_ complains when Judy all about shoves them against her calves at night for warmth.

She takes a paper bag from inside her purse and takes her blazer off, leaving it by the foot of the bed. Then, she walks to Judy, who's already smiling at her, and hands her the bag, sitting down next to her and taking her boots off right after.

"Is this for me? Is it a gift?"

"Yes, Jude."

"Are you going soft, Jenny?" Jen rolls her eyes.

"You said you don't own comfortable socks, which I don't understand, but your feet are always freezing, so..." She gestures to the bag.

Judy grabs the pairs of socks and gasps, "oh my God, they have patterns too!" She squeals and hugs Jen by the neck. "Thank you, that's so thoughtful! Although I think you're gonna miss my cold feet touching you."

"I will not, Judy." She states, but smiles as Judy looks at the socks in awe. One of the pairs has flowers on it, the other has random colorful lines, and the last one has small dinosaurs all over it.

"Ooh, this one is my favorite!" Judy puts the dinosaur socks on and smiles.

"I knew you'd like that one." Jen chuckles.

After showering and changing into pajamas, she lies down next to Judy. It's still early, not even dinner time yet, but the unusual cold weather provides a nice atmosphere to stay in bed.

Judy tells Jen about her day. It's something she didn't use to do, didn't think it was important or that Jen would actually care. She's glad that Judy feels comfortable with talking to her now, because she always gets so excited about tiny things and Jen is absolutely endeared by her, the way she beams, the way her voice gets louder when talking about something she enjoys, the way she grabs Jen's arm once she remembers something _so great_ that happened at work.

"Hey! I was thinking about doing something fun this weekend, with the boys."

"Yeah? Do you have any ideas?"

"Before you say no-"

"Why would I say no?"

"You'll understand." Judy nods seriously. "Before you say no, Henry asked me, and I think it might be nice, you know? It's not too hot, it's not too long of a drive..."

"Just tell me what you wanna do, Jude."

"I was thinking we could go to Santa Monica Pier, maybe, if you want." She shrinks into herself a little, and Jen hates it.

“Sure.” Jen shrugs.

“Wait, seriously? Because I have seven more reasons why you should say yes.”

“Just take the win, Judes.”

Judy grins warmly, “yeah, okay! It’ll be super fun, I promise you.”

Later, after telling the boys about their plans and getting back in bed, Judy is talking excitedly about every single thing they can do.

“Jude, sweetheart, you know I love to listen to every thought in that pretty head of yours, but can we go to sleep now?” Judy giggles, undeterred.

“Fine.” She sticks her tongue out in mockery, turns to the side and snuggles closer to Jen, throwing a leg over hers.

“Jesus, Judy! How are your feet still cold through your socks?”

The brunette laughs again, “sorry, Jen, I can’t help it.”

“Take your feet back.” Jen complains and tries to get out of Judy’s embrace.

“But it’s so comfy.”

“Yeah, for you.” She squirms and manages to grab both of Judy’s arms, trying to push her away, but her friend is stronger than she’d anticipated, even while giggling uncontrollably. “Oh, my _God_ , Judy.”

Jen eventually pushes Judy back and ends up on top of her, straddling her hips. They just laugh for a few seconds before taking deep breaths and falling into a comfortable silence, staring at each other tenderly.

She doesn’t want to think about how close to her face Judy is, how if she just moved up a _little_ , their lips would touch. She just looks at her for a while, memorizing her features in some sort of depressing nostalgia of something that hasn’t even happened.

Then, she smiles, “you’re an idiot.” And rolls off of her.

“Mhm, and you love me.”

“Goodnight, Judy.” _I do love you_.

“Goodnight, Jenny.” _Fuck_.

***

It’s sunny, as expected, but the weather isn’t actually _boiling_ , so Jen counts it as a victory. She doesn’t know who’s the most excited, Henry or Judy, it’s definitely a close competition.

Natalie came, her and Charlie wander off somewhere before they can even get something to eat. At least Jen got to say “keep your phone on at all times” before they walked away.

She watches as Judy and Henry hold hands while pointing and giggling, and maybe she should feel left out, because she’s not in on their jokes, but she can only feel joy, and love, _so much love_.

They find a ring tossing game, and somehow Jen manages to score perfectly, which wins them some sort of dragon shaped stuffed animal, called a ‘jumbo prize’. The description fits well, Jen thinks, judging by the size of it, but Judy had squealed happily and kissed Jen’s cheek when she won, so maybe it’s worth the nuisance of having to carry it.

Of course, Henry holds it for a few minutes, and Judy carries it for about a half an hour before it gets stuck with Jen for the rest of the day, and her constant “this was a really fucking stupid move, Jude” isn't enough to make either of her family members upset — probably because they’re not the ones carrying the fucking huge dragon.

Jen lets Judy take Henry on a few rides while she stands back to watch and try to squint and find them far away from her. Then, they go on the Ferris wheel, look down at the beautiful view and Judy calls attention to the booth next to them, where Charlie and Natalie are kissing and completely ignoring the landscape. Jen scrunches up her nose and looks away, says “I didn’t wanna see _that_ ”, while Judy just giggles and turns away to look at something Henry’s pointing out.

The sun has already set when their ride ends, so they sit down to eat properly at a table outside. The food is mixed, a few different things from a few different carts, and they all sort of share whatever they feel like having.

It’s windy now that the sky is dark, and Judy shakes a little while trying to warm herself up with her thin cardigan. Jen hugs her sideways and rubs her arms for warmth, before taking off her jacket and draping it around Judy’s shoulders, repeating the motion from before. Judy smiles at her thankfully and lays her head on Jen’s shoulder. Her breath hitches a little. She hates how responsive to Judy’s touches she is, how a little more love shown makes her heart almost beat out of her chest.

While the kids are playing a weird game of throwing popcorn up and trying to catch it with their mouths, Jen lays her head on top of Judy’s and sighs.

“Thank you.” She whispers, the surroundings not too loud that Judy can’t hear her.

“For what?”

“Everything. Keeping us together, mostly. But for the love, too.”

“There’s nothing else I wanna do. But really, you keep me together more than you even realize. Maybe even more than I-“

“Just accept the compliment, Judes.”

Judy looks up at her, “all sentimental, huh? And you’re not even high.”

“Fuck off, Judy.”

Jen jokes, of course, it’s what they do. But there’s a voice in her brain telling her to say something else; a voice that sounds a lot like her sixteen year old self, telling her to do better, to be better, make her own choices, only for herself, for what she wants.

She hasn’t listened to that voice in thirty years, it’s not now that she’s about to start.

**— 5**

Jen suddenly feels a weight on top of her and opens her eyes to see Judy staring at her. She’s been lying on the outdoor couch, almost sleeping, and waiting for her friend to finish putting the dishes away, since Jen had washed them after dinner.

“You comfortable?” She asks when Judy lays her head on Jen’s chest.

“Very much so.”

“I thought you were bringing us wine.”

“I did.” Jen looks to her right and sees a bottle with two glasses next to it. “Are you tired?"

"Just a little." She narrows her eyes. "But I want to drink."

Judy moves back and sits up, so Jen does the same, leaning to grab the bottle and open it. After their glasses are full, the brunette starts giggling quietly.

"What is so funny?"

"Nothing, I was just thinking."

"Thinking of what?"

"Whenever Charlie mentions his girlfriend I think back to Parker and how different they are. I mean, what did she even do?"

"She was a _micro influencer_ ," Jen draws out the words, "whatever that means."

"So, basically, being paid for posting on Instagram?"

"I guess." She shrugs. "I'm glad he found someone actually nice."

"Hey, she was nice."

"Yeah, until I paid a thousand dollars for her not to fulfill her part of the deal." Jen scoffs. "Besides, she didn't even want your cupcakes."

"Oh, right. Natalie likes my cupcakes." Judy grins. "But seriously, though, imagine getting paid for being pretty." She sighs dreamily.

"You'd be rich."

"Aw, thanks, Jenny." She jokes, but her cheeks get a pretty blush.

"You have to stop with the Jenny thing." Jen feigns scolding.

"You love it, really." Judy winks and the blonde just shakes her head with a chuckle.

They keep talking about everything, the TV turned off and forgotten, only the sound of their laughs can be heard in the middle of the calm silence of midnight. Jen knows she likes the sound of Judy's laugh but, _fuck_ , she's starting to realize that she _really_ likes the sound of Judy's laugh, how it bursts out of her when she's a little drunker than usual, when she's happy to just be with Jen and asking the most stupid questions about the universe.

"If animals could talk, which species would be, like, super rude?",

"Why is the alphabet in that order?",

And, "isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?", to which Jen can't take anymore laughing,

"Judy, oh my God, stop!"

"They're all valid questions, Jen, I found them on reddit."

"Don't tell me Karen got you into that, too."

"She did! And it's very interesting, okay? A bit scary sometimes but, still, interesting."

"Next thing I know you're gonna learn how to make fucking orange wine."

Judy gasps, "I should! Shouldn't I? It could be fun."

Jen laughs and rolls her eyes.

"Knock, knock."

"Judy..."

"Come on! Knock, knock."

"Who’s there?"

"Olive."

"Olive, who?"

"Olive you." Judy winks exaggeratedly.

"Jesus Christ, that was so fucking bad." Jen complains, but she's working on wiping tears of laughter away from her face. It's not even about the joke, 'cause it was honestly shitty, even for Judy, but it's about her, caring enough to try and make Jen laugh too.

"I do love you, you know?" Judy asks when her own laughter diminishes, taking a sip of wine.

Jen bites her lip softly, "I do know. I love you too." She sighs.

And Judy is just _looking_ at her with a small smirk. Her immensely kind eyes gazing across her face in a dance that Jen has never learned, doesn't think she _will_ ever learn, but it's comforting, in a way, having someone who sees her, who doesn't mind looking at her, who's not disgusted by what she looks like.

Jen smiles softly and watches as Judy takes another sip. Then, she averts her eyes while letting out a tired breath, stares at the black TV screen.

"Hey, it's okay."

"Is it?"

"Yeah." She looks back at Judy, who is smiling reassuringly at her, and opens her mouth to speak, but gives up before letting out any sound.

Instead of talking, she pulls Judy by the neck and presses their lips together. And to confirm that she is, absolutely, not thinking, that the wine has clouded her judgment even with not even an entire glass, she licks Judy's bottom lip to ask for permission, and when the brunette cedes, she feels a shudder from her tiptoes to her head.

It doesn't last long, because way too soon Jen is pulling away with wide eyes and a flushed face, whispering "oh, shit" under her breath.

"Fuck, I'm sorry. Shit, Judy, I'm so sorry."

"Jen, it's fine, I promise."

"No, it's not _fine_." She shakes her head. "I'm straight."

"I know that." Judy nods. "You were the one who kissed _me_."

"I know. Fuck..." Jen takes a breath. "I'm not blaming you or anything, I'm just- I shouldn't have, okay? I've had too much to drink and I'm tired and- and you're my best friend!"

Her friend nods again, waiting for her to speak, but when she doesn't, she places a hand on Jen's thigh carefully, "It doesn't have to mean anything, you're confused. Just go to sleep and we'll never talk about it again, alright? It's not a _thing_ , now."

It's Jen's turn to nod, wide eyed.

"I'm going to the guest house, you can stay here or go to bed, but I think I should give you some time to think." Judy smiles softly.

"No, Jude, I-"

"Jen, trust me, I'm doing what's best for us, okay?" She squeezes Jen's shoulder. "Goodnight."

And then she's gone.

It's not worth it, Jen knows. She can't throw away everything she's known her whole life because of a drunken mistake. She knows who she is, and that has to be enough.

It feels less than enough when she's in bed and throws an arm to the side, being met with cold sheets instead of Judy's characteristic warmth.


	2. of jealousy and understanding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The thing is, there are people who choose to live near active volcanoes, despite the fear, the land near them is always more fertile, the hope of blooming earth promising, overweighting the apprehension, the actual dread of immediate death. Jen thinks Judy is one of those people."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took longer to write than i had anticipated but it's finally here.  
> it has some of my own experience with coming out (mostly to myself), so i'd appreciate it if you could look at this chapter with some kinder eyes  
> i know i only use michelle to make jen jealous so i'd like to apologize to her stans lmao  
> this is more dialogue heavy than what i usually write, hope it doesn't feel too icky  
> enjoy :)

**— +1**

Jen wakes up and something has shifted. She’s not sure if inside herself or in the actual world, but she could take a nice change right about now.

It’s weird to wake up without Judy by her side. Something about the whole morning routine without her feels odd in a way that she hasn’t felt in a long time. She never thought she liked sleeping with someone next to her; Ted used to hug her — at least back when things were good — in the middle of the night and she felt suffocated, clammy and sweaty even if the air conditioner helped. However, the first time she slept next to her — that night after making up, when she first realized that there was no Jen without Judy —, she finally understood that she hated to be alone, but only ever wanted to be with her.

Getting out of bed is proven a harder chore than usual, but she manages, eventually, and, truly, she was the only one who changed overnight. When she’s finally downstairs, the boys are eating as usual, and Judy flashes her a welcoming smile just like every other morning, as though nothing earth shattering ever happened.

She could bury it deep inside her mind and never think about it again. Judging by her actions, Judy wouldn’t mind, but Jen knows that it is just a matter of time until all of her doubts are bubbling inside of her, until they can’t help but erupt, causing way more destruction than she ever intended, because once before she actually believed her own personal volcano would stay inactive.

The thing is, there are people who choose to live near active volcanoes, despite the fear, the land near them is always more fertile, the hope of blooming earth promising, overweighting the apprehension, the actual dread of immediate death. Jen thinks Judy is one of those people.

Judy chooses  _ her _ , over and over again. Judy chose her over Steve, over Michelle, over herself. Jen has spent her whole life being settled for, and now there’s someone who wants to be near her, doesn’t mind her flaws, doesn’t mind the instability. It warms her heart to say the least.

She tries to talk to Judy once the boys move upstairs, but she keeps fumbling with her words, ultimately giving up and just asking about her Saturday plans. Judy says that maybe they could go out to lunch, since Lorna is eating out with the boys, and Jen agrees, maybe getting out of the house will be good for her.

***

The place is nice, some restaurant with vegetarian options that they’ve been to before, and it works well to mix both of their tastes. They eat in silence, mostly, speaking up to comment on the food or the weather, and Jen can tell that Judy is holding herself back. She appreciates the effort, likes to know that Judy is trying to not make her uncomfortable, but it doesn't help that she's trying  _ so _ hard, when all she really wants is to forget about the night before and move on.

"I can see you thinking, you know?" She comments, bracing herself for a reaction.

Judy looks startled for a second, but her face soon relaxes, "what do you mean?" 

"You don't have to act so careful around me. I thought the whole point was to act like nothing happened."

"Nothing happened, Jen." She smiles reassuringly. "But you've been oddly quiet."

"I  _ am _ quiet, Jude, you're the chatty one."

Judy just shrugs, "I guess."

"Found anything fun on  _ Reddit _ last night?" Jen smiles, trying to make conversation.

"Not really, I just meditated and then went to sleep. I haven't done that in a while."

"Is that your subtle way of telling me that you wanna stop sleeping in my bed and go back to sleeping in the guest house?" She takes a sip of water.

Judy gasps, "what!? No! Jen, how could you even think that?"

"Jesus, Jude, I'm kidding." She snickers. "But you can, if you want to, if you're uncomfortable or something. But you can also meditate in our room, I don't mind."

"Really?"

"Of course. What's  _ one more _ woo-woo ritual?"

"Aw, thanks! You're too nice, Jenny."

"For a moment I thought you were letting go of that."

"Oh, come on! I know you like it." Jen just shakes her head. "Just a little bit?" She puts her fingers together to indicate the size.

"Maybe just a little bit."

They walk around downtown for a while, after they’re done with lunch. Judy wants new dresses, so she drags Jen to a hippie boutique she likes near the beach, makes her give opinions on every outfit, and it’s fun, being like this with Judy, not worrying at all about anything else — about who she is or isn’t —, she wishes it could last longer than it does.

“What do you think about this one?” Judy does a little twirl and Jen can’t help but smile at her.

“It looks pretty, but I like the green one better.”

“You didn’t like any pink or red dresses?”

“I did, but you have too many of those. Go on, now, try the yellow one.”

The brunette comes out of the booth a minute later, straightening out the fabric with her hands, “and this one?”

“Oh, yes, the best one yet.”

“You’re only saying that because you picked it.”

Jen shrugs, “and I have an incredible sense of style, looks great.”

Judy complains when Jen takes her card out to pay. They’re by the register and the woman taking care of their items is smiling softly at their banter.

“Jen, you don’t have to do this.”

“You bought our son a car, babe, I think I can afford a few dresses.” She hands the lady her card.

“Thank you, but you didn’t have to-“

“Jude, shh.” Jen pats Judy’s head quickly, making her friend laugh quietly.

The woman behind the counter speaks up, “it’s so nice that you finally brought your wife with you, Ms. Hale, you two make a very cute couple.” Before either of them can respond, she keeps going, “by the way, we have this new Valentine’s Day sale for couples who spend over two hundred dollars!”

“Oh, we’re actually not-“

“We are very interested, yes.” Jen interrupts. “How much money off?”

Judy hisses once they leave the store, “did you  _ have _ to lie to her?”

“For thirty percent off our purchase? I’d happily be married to you.”

The younger woman gasps, “ _ Jenny _ ! Are you proposing?”

“Alright don’t flatter yourself now-“, Jen is interrupted when she collides with someone. “ _ Fuck _ , sorry.”

“Judy?”

Judy opens her mouth in a mix of shock and happiness, “Michelle, hi!”

They hug, awkwardly, and Jen is left to watch. She seems to only be acknowledged when Judy lets go of the other woman and grabs her hand in the way she was before, which makes Michelle look at them with too much of a knowing look for Jen not to feel uneasy.

“Hi, Jen.” Her eyes focus on the woman in front of her and she waves with her free hand, flashing a polite smile.

“I thought you’d moved to Temecula?” Judy asks in a chipper tone, albeit still the slightest bit shocked.

“I did! I’m just visiting a friend, she wants to convince me to move back here.”

“Oh, that’s great!”

“Yeah, um, that’s so nice.” Jen chimes in, feeling weird to be left out of the conversation.

“How are you two?”

“We’re great! The boys are doing well, too.” Judy grins.

“ _ So _ , are you two together now or…?”

Jen glares at her with a frown, but Judy just laughs nervously, “we’re still just friends.”

She doesn’t know why that statement feels so untrue now — or like it hurts so much.

“Mhm, okay.” Michelle looks skeptical, steals another glance at their joined hands but nods nonetheless. “Well, I should go, it was nice seeing you both.” 

“You too!” Judy exclaims and Jen nods with a smile.

“If you wanna catch up or go out to eat just text me, my number is still the same.”

“Okay, I will!”

“Oh, I thought you changed it?” Jen comments.

Michelle frowns, “how come?”

“Well, you completely ignored Judy’s texts for months, I just assumed you had changed your number.” She shrugs with an innocent look and feels Judy squeeze her hand slightly, so she takes the hint, “that’s in the past now, right? It was nice to see you, we should go too.”

“You’re a meanie!” Judy states when Michelle can’t hear them anymore.

“She’s the one who ignored you!” Jen throws her arms up in exasperation.

The brunette frowns, “she was going through something hard, Jen.”

“And so were you.” Then, she lowers her voice, “what do you think she’d think about you having a  _ murderer _ for a best friend?”

“That’s not fair.”

“Yeah, well, that’s where we’re at right now.” Jen starts walking again, silently prompting for Judy to follow her.

They end up on the beach, because somehow they always do, even when it’s not intentional. Jen digs the heel of her boots in the sand and Judy takes off her sandals to feel the cold touch her feet. It’s a quick walk to their usual spot and they sit, not caring about getting sand on their clothes, staying in silence for a few moments.

Jen knows that Judy didn’t like what she said, because Judy cares too much about other people’s feelings, even of those who hurt her, but she doesn’t regret mentioning in, she thinks that if she hadn’t said anything, Judy would just go out with Michelle and forgive her for something she hasn’t even apologized for.

Honestly, she’s tired of people belittling Judy, taking advantage of her kindness — that probably wasn’t the case with Michelle, Jen knows she’s a good person, but the consequences are always the same — just to hurt her in the end. She knows that she has done it before, and hates every second of her past, but she’s trying to be better, especially for her, and if that means being a little harsh on someone who isn’t Judy in the meantime, then that’s okay too.

Jen sighs, “I’m sorry for being rude before.”

“It’s okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Mhm. I know you’ve got a lot going on inside your head.” Judy looks at her, squinting because of the sun, and nods softly.

She tried to keep her doubts from surfacing, but apparently that’s impossible with a best friend like Judy.

“I’m confused, Jude, that’s all.”

“You can talk to me, you know? I think I’d get you.” She shrugs.

“I’m not sure I can.” Jen shakes her head. “And it’s not because of you, Judy, it’s just because _this_ is everything I’ve ever known.”

“It’s your choice.”

“How did _you_ know?”

And she doesn’t have to say  _ what _ , Judy just knows, seems to know every thought in her head.

“Two girl friends of mine kissed at some college party, and I realized I liked that idea. That was it, nothing huge.”

“Did it change anything?”

“Not really. I never hated this part of me, it’s just something about who I am, for me it never really mattered, it was just so natural.”

“But you like men?”

“Oh,  _ yes _ .” Judy raises her eyebrows and Jen chuckles. “I like everyone.”

“Okay.” Jen whispers.

“Do you?”

“I don’t know.”

They sit with that admission for a while, watching the waves crash and listening attentively to the sound of birds chirping somewhere above them. The atmosphere feels heavy now, for sure with the weight of her words, but maybe they only weigh on her shoulders, maybe to Judy this isn’t a big deal at all.

“I liked kissing you, I think. I’d probably do it again if I could.”

She can be bisexual, right? Or pansexual, or whatever Judy is. She  _ can  _ be like Judy. It wouldn’t be like losing a part of herself this way, she’d just be gaining another one — it’s not that she doesn’t like men, it’s just that she  _ also _ likes women.  _ Okay. Maybe. Yes. For sure _ .

“You can.” Judy nods.

Jen turns to her and her eyes are just so compassionate, so full of love and understanding, that she leans in and pecks her lips tentatively at first. She pulls back almost immediately, looks at Judy’s face to gauge her reaction, and when she doesn’t budge, Jen leans in again, presses her lips against Judy’s a little more intensely, lingers for a bit longer. When she’s about to separate, Judy pulls her back in with a soft hand on her neck, opens Jen’s mouth with her own and brushes their tongues together. It’s languid and soft and Jen is way too tense to correspond properly but it’s also everything she’s ever wanted, everything she didn’t think she  _ could _ want.

Judy reluctantly pulls away to look at Jen, to see if she’s spiraling or regretting, but she’s just a little wide eyed, so she takes it as a good sign. The blonde lets out a breathy “ _ oh _ ” and brings her fingers to touch her own swollen lips for a second, then, she looks up and stares into the brown orbs in front of her, and Judy can tell that the gears are turning inside her head, her walls are breaking down and she’s being suffocated by all that she thought she knew.

She places a hand on Jen’s face to help, “it’s okay.”

“Is it?”

“We’ve been here before.”

Jen breathes out a chuckle, “I know.”

“Do you wanna go home?”

“I think so.”

The house is quiet when they arrive, the kids still at their grandmother’s, so they move upstairs to their bedroom. It’s a while until they change into loungewear and Jen even squeezes in a shower — which Judy thinks is just an excuse for her to rethink everything.

Eventually, they settle on the bed, not quite under the covers, and stay in silence. Judy doesn’t want to speak first, wants to give Jen as much time as she needs to readjust, to sit with herself and her understandings, but she can also tell that Jen doesn’t want to be alone, would rather be with someone who gets her, even if just a little bit.

“Are you gonna go out with Michelle?” Jen almost whispers, clears her throat right after.

“I’m not sure.”

“I don’t think you should.”

“Why not?”

“Well, for starters, she _ghosted_ you.”

“It’s not like I’m getting back together with her, Jen, we might just catch up.”

“But don’t you want to?”

“Get back together?” Judy frowns and Jen nods. “Not really. Why? Are you _jealous_?” She teases.

Jen looks at her, truly looks, and Judy is  _ trying _ , God knows she’s trying, to be empathetic, to let Jen dictate the pace, to assure her that whatever exists between them doesn’t have to be anything if she doesn’t want it to be; but she’s only human. She wants to shout that she’s not going anywhere, that she would never kiss Jen with everything in her being and then choose someone else over her, that she wants her, still, if Jen wants her back, too.

The blonde kisses her again, more urgently than before, tangles her fingers in brown locks and sighs when Judy's tongue touches hers again. It's a primitive sort of want, the one which she didn't know she had but comes alive whenever she sees Judy's face, or smells her scent, or feels her hand softly brushing her waist at night.

She pulls Judy's body and suddenly her friend is sitting on her lap, straddling her hips, and her mind doesn't have time to catch up because,  _ fuck _ , Judy's lips are so incredibly soft, she's grinding the slightest bit and there's such an intense heat in between Jen's legs that she has never felt with a man before. Maybe she'd believe she's out of her body, if not for the dampness she can almost feel coming from Judy onto her pants, grounding her.

Judy moans into her mouth when Jen lifts her knee a little, so she grabs the hem of her shirt and pulls it up, revealing her burgundy red bra in the process. Getting to touch Judy's warm,  _ warm _ skin in this setting is a bigger revelation that she bargained for, especially paired with the feeling of her hands pressing below her ribs, pulling her impossibly closer, the proof that she is desperate for this too.

It's like something shatters when Judy takes Jen's shirt off. She pulls back, startled, crosses her arms in front of her chest, and the brunette looks apologetically at her, waiting for her to react. The problem is that, now, with baring herself to Judy, comes all the other doubts she hadn't stopped to think about since they started kissing, everything that couldn't surface because Jen was too busy to wonder.

"Are you okay?" Judy breathes, holding Jen's cheek with her palm. The older woman nods, but she's not convinced, "do you wanna stop?" Jen shakes her head no and Judy narrows her eyes, analyzing her, so she lets go and nods, letting her lips quiver and a lone tear fall.

Judy kisses it away.

"It's okay." She climbs off of her and hands Jen her shirt back, pulling her own over her head.

Jen lays her head on Judy's shoulder and whispers, "I'm sorry."

She grabs one of Jen's hands with both of her own, "you don't have to apologize, okay?"

The blonde just sniffles.

"You can talk to me."

"I just can't, Jude, I'm sorry. I think I need time to readjust."

"That's okay."

"I just-  _ Fuck _ ." Jen sighs, and Judy guides them to lean back against the headboard, pulls the covers over them. "I have all these thoughts and I can't even understand them. I don't know who  _ I am _ , Judy, that's fucking with my head."

"Well, that isn't that uncommon, you know?"

She scoffs, "yeah, maybe when you're eighteen in a coming of age movie. I'm closer to fifty than I am to forty-five."

"Okay," Judy turns to look at her, prompting her to sit upright, "let's do something."

"Okay?"

"I'm gonna ask you a question, and you're gonna answer with the first thing that comes into your mind." Jen grimaces, so she glares at her, "come on, I'm trying to help you out here."

" _ Fine _ ." She rolls her eyes.

"Don't hold back, the absolute first thing is what you have to say. It's just me. Alright, ready?" The blonde nods. "When I say _Jennifer Harding_ , what do you think about?"

"Am I a lesbian?" Jen widens her eyes, " _woah_."

Judy smiles softly with a sigh, "only you can tell me that."

"Wow, it really works… Where did you learn that?"

She chuckles, "therapy", and winks.

"I should really go, huh?"

"I think it could help." The brunette nods. "But about your question, you don't need an answer now. Honestly, you don't ever need an answer if you don't want one, or if you just can't find it. With some questions it's just better to let go."

"I want an answer, Jude."

"Alright, it's your choice."

"Can you just-" Jen purses her lips in an adorable pout — Judy feels like kissing her for hours — and gestures with her arms around herself.

"Hold you?" She asks softly, and once Jen nods, they get settled — Jen's back to her front, the coconut scent of her shampoo drowning Judy in something that feels a lot like home. "I love you, you know? No matter what."

"I know." She whispers, "I love you too."

She's not fine, it's clear. Maybe she won't ever  _ be _ fine, but with Judy's understanding, she feels like she can be anyone she wants. It doesn't matter, because Judy has her and she has Judy, and, truly, that's all she's ever really wanted.

Jen hates herself a little less that day.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you want to discuss jen's comphet, come find me on twitter: @jhrding (or if you really just wanna talk about jen and judy 24/7)


End file.
